Chili Lime Beef Wraps: A Tale of Love, Loss, and Excuses

Looking at our blog from time to time and calculating the number of days that pass between entries sometimes, I could see how you would think we are lazy and never live up to our promises.

I could see that.

I could see it because, for the most part, you'd be right. A very successful, well-loved businessman in Cleveland, Umberto Fideli, once told me, "Always underpromise and overdeliver." He was speaking to a group of us on the topic of networking at a PR firm at which I was formerly employed. Mr. Fideli is someone that I greatly admire, and I took his words to heart. Why then, do we say that we'll do one thing on this blog and often do another? Well, for a few reasons.

First and foremost, you may have figured out at this point that I am in many ways the "captain" of this blog, having started it and, for the most part, having managed it over the course of its existence. I am not the most entertaining writer and I am not the best cook, but part of running something is knowing when to recruit people more talented than yourself. All of this being said, I get fanciful ideas about how to improve the blog from time to time, and in my zeal I share these ideas with you via blog posts. In my excitement, I often talk to Matty and Deering about how we could pump out more posts, try new recipes, improve our social media presence, and generally kick a bit more ass around here. They nod, say something along the lines of, "sounds good, man", and then go about their lives.

I do not fault my compatriots for being busy people, but the fact of the matter is that we are a bit too disorganized and generally tied-up to get a lot of stuff done around here. It isn't that we don't try - take the subject of this post, for instance. Matty, Britta, and I made "chili lime beef wraps" about a month ago, had a great time making them, and they even tasted pretty darn good. We had our girlfriends over for dinner while we made the wraps; it was a lot of fun. When it was all over, I talked to Matty and asked him to write up the post on the wraps and he agreed to. Here we are a month later now, the recipe has been lost (it was on one of those recipe cards you find around Heinen's or any other grocery store), and he never got around to writing the post.

The chili lime beef wraps were not the first casualty of our forgetfulness... We have made dishes before, some very intricate, expensive ones, even (especially when Deering is involved because he knows what he is doing more than we brothers do); we just forget to write up the posts, lose recipes, or can't recall details until it is too late to rectify the situation.

If you are reading this far and are thinking to yourself, "Boy, this is the longest excuse I've read all day", I feel for you. I'll cut out my ramblings soon enough; I just want to let you guys all know how things work around here. We haven't been fair to our readers, we haven't undertaken enough culinary projects, and we haven't got our crap together as far as organization is concerned. I'll ask that my fellow Conquistadors sign off on this post so that it is not simply one more "pseudo-promise" that we're going to go back on.

I am going to dedicate more time to making sure that this blog is something that I can be proud of at all times.

I know that blogging (at least for the vast majority of people) is about fun, and I intend to keep it that way. This isn't going to become work, but I still want to treat it with respect. I don't see us getting back any of the posts that we've "lost" in the past, but I also don't intend to let any more slip through the cracks. Conquistadors are adventurers, and sometimes you take a wrong turn or fall in a pit of quicksand/snakes/Alamo Soup. You gotta know how to learn from your mistakes and press on, more savvy than you started out.


Fall is a ballin' season and there are a lot of fun recipes (and beer pairings) to go along with it. Let's make the most of it and enjoy the culinary landscape this autumn, together.

Something Clever About Stuffed Peppers and Red Hot Lovin'

I never used to be a fan of stuffed peppers. I would come across them once a year or so, stare distastefully at the green blobs simmering in their own juices, and would do my best to avoid seconds. My Subway orders often included the words, "...and everything EXCEPT the green peppers".

We weren't friends.

As one grows older and (at least in my case) generally more adventurous, foods which were once shunned find their way into a diet. A great example: Brussels sprouts with bite.

When I learned that Erin would be coming to visit me for a few days back in late May, I was inspired to give stuffed peppers another shot. In searching for a recipe that we could make together (and in true Conquistador fashion, basing most of my decision off what I had in the refrigerator at the time), I consulted my Epicurious iPhone app. Bunch of zucchini? Check. Sweet Italian sausage that I best use up before leaving home for a couple of months? You know it. A red onion the size of my sister's head? Oddly, yes. Get some rosemary sprigs, a few big peppers, and we're in business. Done.

I'll go on a tangent for a moment - Epicurious, whether accessed via said iPhone app or Epicurious.com, is a great place to look up recipes when you have a general idea what you might like to try... or at least what main ingredients you have. I suggest checking out their site, some of our CulinaryFTW Twitter friends, or the other sites we have listed in the right-hand sidebar of the blog if you ever need suggestions.

While there are a lot of stuffed pepper recipes out there, the one that we made can be found here and originated in the May of 1999 Bon Appetit magazine issue as far as I can tell.

I'll leave the cooking instructions to the recipe author this time and focus more on our experience. While we didn't struggle with creating this dish, I will highlight one part of the instructions to which I wish we'd paid more attention... the stuffing can be PREPARED A DAY AHEAD! The required mincing, grating, and sausage skinning may not seem like much, but with a cook time of around an hour, you may not want to spend all of that time cooking at once.

The construction of the dish is not difficult once the stuffing is prepared - you basically mush everything up, stick it in a halved pepper, and bake it. Once out of the oven you can transfer everything to a plate and stick a few rosemary sprigs in for decoration... the result of which was Caesar Pepper once we were finished. A few roses for matching color, a bottle of Rieseling, and you have a romantic dinner.

The peppers were, in our opinion, delicious. We made two peppers (that is four halves, for those of you counting on your fingers), and it was more than enough... We could only eat three halves in one sitting. Presentation-wise, I thought they looked great as well - not the bubbling muck I remembered from my childhood. The idea of using red peppers instead of green was a new one for me, but worked. I have to wonder if one could use green, red, orange and yellow side by side for a neat presentation. Let us know if any of you do as I am curious now!

In the end, this was an all-around success. We may not have come up with the recipe ourselves this time, but if we made them without a struggle, you can too! The way I look at it, discussing culinary arts is as much about sharing good experiences with tasty recipes as it is about disseminating original ideas. We found the dish delicious; let us know your thoughts as well.

Sweet Red Peppers

Captain Candy's Catastrophic Chili: One Big Bowl O' Birthday Fun

 As I mentioned not long ago in my last entry, I've been doing a decent job of keeping our Twitter presence up. If you were monitoring our feed today, you may have noted that it is Matty's 17th birthday today. I, being the thoughtful older brother that I am, neglected to get him anything of significance.

Hey, they don't pay me right now at my job... and I don't think ahead. As you can likely tell by his shirt, he got plenty of awesome presents as it was.

As the day has gone on and I've given the subject more thought, however, I realized that I could give him the greatest present of all: stress-relief.

You see, I have been prodding Matty for close to two months now to post our award-winning chili recipe on the blog. He's been either too busy or too unmotivated thus far to do it... and it's keeping him from contributing. I figure that if I take the burden off his shoulders, guess what on Earth we put in the chili, and get a post up, it'd make his day. A great side-effect? It'll surely make your day too.

That being said, here it is. The big one. That which our blog's measly reputation hinges on: Captain Candy's Catastrophic Chili.

"If the recipe is that good," you might think, "why share it with us lowly peasants lurking in the blogosphere?"

A good question, but one that is easily answered. Since we waited forever and a day to actually post this recipe, measured things... less than accurately, and hardly remember what we put in to begin with (I wish you could see this crumpled, pencil-scrawled sheet of paper in front of me), I don't think we're in any danger of losing a fortune on this one. Besides, we only actually took the 2nd place medal (out of 14 entries), our egos have been kept in check for now.

To be honest, the chili wasn't even our idea. Our church hosts a "Chili Cook-off" every year, and every year you know where to find us when that day comes around...

Not at the cook-off.

We don't have great memories, so we've never quite made it there. This year, however, we didn't have too much of a choice. The pastoral associate at the church, a very bright guy named Bill, knew about the Culinary Conquistadors and knew that we had a bit (keyword being BIT) of cooking experience. He hounded us week after week about when he was gonna see our name on the entries list and how he couldn't wait to try that Conquistador chili. He wasn't being obnoxious, just probably knew that we didn't have the gumption to enter ourselves.

Finally, without Matty's permission, I put our names on a slip and we were in the running.

When that fateful weekend came around, we hit the store, grabbed some ingredients, and went to work. given how long ago it was that we actually made the chili, I'll skip the faulty narrative and stick to the phases of preparation. Here is how it all went down.

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Captain Candy's Catastrophic Chili

Serves: ???? (a crock-pot's worth)
Cook Time: ~6 hours (though you won't be present the whole time)

Phase I: Meat and Flavorings

• What you'll need
• Coarsely ground beef (2.5 lbs+)
• Bulb of garlic (6 cloves)
• Salt & Pepper
• Onions (1.5 cups+)
• Olive oil (a few Tbsp. to cover the electric frying pan

• Preparation
• Thaw the beef, chop it up. Keep it chunky. Microwave, hot water, whatever you need to do to make sure it's not frozen and can be worked with.
• Chop up your onions. We diced them, but not finely. pieces were probably 1/2 in. long.
• Crush your cloves of garlic. We used a garlic press, I recommend one if you can find it
• Add oil to electric frying pan, turn to 300°F. Heat oil.

•  Cooking
• Put beef into the electric frying pan / heated oil. 
• Add prepared garlic and onions
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Allow the mixture to cook for a few minutes until the beef and seasonings are browned

Phase II: Vegetables

• What you'll need
• Variously colored bell peppers, the more colors, the more fun (1.5 cups+)
• Celery, chopped (1.5 cups+)

• Preparation
• Chop that business. Like onions, don't go too fine.

• Cooking
• Drain meat and seasonings
• Add new oil to frying pan
• Add chopped vegetables
• Sauté vegetables for 5 min. or until soft

Phase III: Beans, Spices, Etc.

• What you'll need
• Kidney beans (40.5oz. can)
• Dark red kidney beans (30oz. can)
•  Can of tomatoes with oregano, basil, and garlic (28oz) [You may want to try the kind with diced green chilies in it as well]
• Spices
• Oregano
• Ground black pepper
• Basil
• Chili powder
• Hot paprika
• Cinammon
• Crushed red pepper 

•  Preparation
• Drain beans

• Cooking
• Add drained beans to vegetables in electric frying pan
• Add seasoned tomato mixture
• Stir, add spices to mixture. Now I realize that we haven't given you any measurements, but honestly we didn't measure it either. You've just got to work with what you have and guess a bit along the way. We continually tweaked the spices toward the end to equalize spiciness, saltiness, sweetness, tartness, etc. to meet our qualifications. We'll come back to this... just put in a couple shakes for now and try not to overdo it.

Phase IV: All Together Now!

• Combination
• Add everything, meat, vegetables, etc. to crock pot
• Simmer the mixture for several hours (4-5 hrs.) The flavors need to "become acquainted", as one of our aunts likes to say. Don't bother taste testing for a while.
• We kept a bit of overflow simmering in the electric frying pan for testing purposes... we had very little faith in ourselves and wanted to avoid polluting the whole batch if possible. You may want to try this too

Phase V: Hittin' the Sauce - Finishing Touches

• What you'll need
• Buffalo sauce (We used a brand called "Moore's", 16oz.)
• Frank's Hot Sauce
• Srirachi asian hot sauce
• Limes (two)

• Mixing it up
• Juice both limes, add the juice to the chili
• This is where any semblance of a scientific approach falls apart. We added the entire bottle of buffalo sauce, squirts of Frank's and srirachi, and fiddled with cinammon, hot paprika, and chili powder. Here are some pointers:
• The lime juice and cinammon add a sweetness to the mixture with a bit of tartness from the limes
• Srirachi sauce adds spice, but almost a little sweetness as well
• Frank's has more distinct flavor than the srirachi sauce, thus adding more spice that equalizes the sweetness
• Chili powder, hot paprika, and crushed red pepper all add spice
• Salt and pepper are useful for normalizing any oddities
• Pray that it works out and don't give up until you find a flavor you like

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... Or something like that.

It wasn't exact, it wasn't elegant, but it was pretty dang good. For once, you don't even have to take just our word for it either.

What we learned from all of this is that chili is something that is meant to be toyed with and is hard to mess-up. As long as you have a consistent base with the beef and vegetables, your originality will come from how you season it. In our case, the limes and srirachi are what really made the difference, I believe.

You don't even have to use beef if you want to try something different. The chili that took number one in the cook-off was a green chili-based, shredded chicken chili. It was made by a woman who was a much more accomplished cook than we and was thus a tasty departure from the norm. If you're confident, try something crazy!

Now that it's Spring, chili-season may have passed for the most part... but if you're looking fora different spin on a recognized classic, we suggest giving this one a try. Captain Candy has never let anyone down... at least not yet.

Re-establishment... the Western Way

Greetings followers/ Internet-world! We're still here.

You may have noticed (or not, depending on how often you're around these parts) that things are a bit different on the site right now. We had to do a bit of clean-up given some formatting issues we've run into of late. While Safari, Opera, and Chrome have all seemed content to show the blog the way it ought to look, Firefox and Internet Explorer haven't shared in that view of late. After struggling for some weeks to find out what has been causing the problem, it seems as though we've fixed our issues.

As a result of our tinkering, you'll note the sidebars have been altered slightly and that a new poll has been put in place (you should respond to it). Hopefully the site will stay in one piece henceforth and we can focus a bit more on what we're supposed to be doing - cooking.

On that note, I have a little something-something to share with y'all today - a recipe brought to us by the very same little lady that imparted unto us her buffalo chicken dip knowledge. Yes indeed, Erin has been back in town for a few days and this time she taught us how to make a variation on something that may or may not have originated from a Campbell's soup can: "Cowboy Casserole".

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"Cowboy Casserole"
     
     Serves 6-ish

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Ingredients

What you'll need:

• 1 small onion (diced)
• 2 cloves of garlic (pressed)
• 1 lb. of ground beef or turkey (if you prefer a healthier alternative)
• 2 10.75 oz. cans of tomato soup(we used Campbell's)
• 2 10 oz. cans of diced tomatoes and green chilies (we used Rotel's)
• 1 pack small tortillas (you'll need approx. 6 of the tortillas)
• 1 cup shredded mozarella
• Olive oil
• Optional: a splash of Frank's Hot Sauce

Directions

The greatest thing about this recipe is that it is simple. It can be made quickly, the preparation is not difficult (something that you cannot necessarily count on with our recipes... remember the gumbo?), and it's tough to mess up. Perfect.

To begin, you'll need either a large skillet or an electric frying pan: we used the latter. Once you find that, you're ready to cook.

1. Begin by pouring some olive oil into your skillet/frying pan, just enough to roughly cover the bottom. Turn the heat onto Medium (or equivalent).

2. Dice your onions / press your garlic if you have not done so yet. Once they're in appropriate form, toss them into your skillet to saute. Leave them in there, stirring as necessary until the onions are browned.

3. Add your hamburger, chopping it up with a spoon or spatula as you do. Begin browning the hamburger in the oil with the onion and garlic.

4. Slice your tortillas into bite-sized pieces while the hamburger is cooking. I used a knife to slice the tortillas, though a kitchen scissors would work.

5. Add your cans of tomato soup and tomatoes/chilies to the skillet. Stir together with the ingredients already present and heat the mixture. Think of it as if you were heating a can of soup; it shouldn't take more than a few minutes to reach a good temperature. Erin added a dash of Frank's Hot Sauce here. The chilies add a kick of their own, so this is optional dependent on taste.

6. Pour your mixture into a large serving bowl. Place tortilla strips and cheese in their own bowls and serve. Tortilla strips and cheese are meant to be used as a topping for the soupy casserole, adding consistency. Add these ingredients as you see fit.

7. Enjoy.


Analysis

In the words of a famous warthog, it's "slimy, yet satisfying." Of the six who tried the dish today, five heartily approved and one (nine year-old) complained that it was a bit spicy for her. This is a great lunch dish if you're looking for something quick but a little different.

Experiment with quantities - we had no problem cleaning out this amount of the casserole, including a side of tex-mex vegetable mix (corn, tomatoes, beans, peppers, etc.), hence the "6-ish" serving designation. As long and you make enough, this one is a sure winner.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!! (Leads to Knoedelin')

... Okay, this post isn't about beer. I had enough of beer just trying to weave my way from my office on Public Square back to my car many blocks away... Cleveland was teeming with rowdy drunks, questionable driving, and the remnants of a parade that half the people on Euclid Ave. may never remember. I didn't have to see much beer today, I saw enough of its traces.

St. Patrick's Day, I've realized, is about the same on city streets as on a campus.

While today may be the Day o' Ireland, we're actually going back to Austria / Bavaria briefly to finish up the latter half of our great goulash experiment... The omni-present knoedel.

Knoedel is the name for a form of dumpling found commonly across German-speaking territory. It comes in many forms, from leberknoedel (liver-based) to kartoffelknoedel (potato-based) to the more basic brotknoedel (bread-based). To be honest, I bet you could use about anything that can be made into a ball. Want to try Playdoughknoedel? Let us know how it goes.

We took on the bread variation this time and found ourselves again referencing the handy-dandy Austrian Cookbook of Birgit Wiedemeir (noted awesome cook of Salzburg College). Knoedel, I learned in Austria, goes with just about any meal. Substitute it in for other starces like potatoes, rice, noodles... whatever. If made right*, it can be the object of much anticipation.
*It should be noted that we have, in fact, never made it "right".

As Mom said as she placed a plate of green eggs and ham in front of me this morning before I left for work, "Try them, try them, you will see!"

Dumplings (Knoedel)

• 600g of bread cubes, cut into 1/2" chunks [HA! Welcome to Austria and the metric system. 1 pound = 16 ounces (NOT FLUID OUNCES) = 454.55 grams. So 600g is 1.32 lbs. or a little over 21oz.... this is essentially a bit more than your average loaf of white bread (the one sitting on my counter weighs in  at 567g or 1lb. 4oz.)]
•  1/2 l. of milk (1 liter is about 4.23 cups... so a little under 4 1/4c. should be good) 
• 1 medium finely chopped onion
• 1T. chopped parsely
• salt (to taste)
• nutmeg (to taste)
• 5 eggs
• 125g of butter (.275lb. or 4.4oz.)

How to Make It

Brown the chopped onions  in the butter and warm the milk. Add onions, milk chopped parsely, and the eggs to the bread cubes. Add salt, nutmeg, and flour*. Knead the mixture thoroughly and let it stand for about 5 minutes. Wet your hands with water and form dumplings (balls). Cook them for 10 minutes in salted water (they'll float to the top when they're about done) Serve immediately (slightly burnt butter drizzled on them is helpful if your meal doesn't feature another sauce!).
 * You'll note there is no flour measurement. This is essentially, from what I can tell, a "to taste thing" like the salt and nutmeg going in. It allows you to correct for slight imbalances in the conversions for the milk and bread weight.

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 Alright. Pretty simple, right? Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

First the good news. I figured out, as I was doing all of the conversions above from metric to American measurements, what we've been screwing up with the knoedel! The bad news is we have yet to do it right.

Now comes your all-too-common lesson on what NOT to do from the Culinary Conquistadors. As stated above, do not assume that 16oz. = 16 fl. oz. Weight does not correspond directly to volume! Think about it (because we didn't); if I have 1 cup of water and 1 cup of fluffy bread chunks, will they really weigh the same?

Doubtful.

In hindsight, we used probably 1/4 the amount of bread we should have... which explains why everything was so runny! I had to pile in flour like you wouldn't believe to make something that could be molded into balls. For a recipe that gives no flour measurement, I thought something was wrong.

From the glue-like consistence of the dumplings once served, I KNEW something was wrong.

Honestly, I am extremely relieved that I figured out what our issue was. Knoedel was much-loved by my compatriots (and myself) in Austria but it has been killing me that it has been so sub-par here. My great-grandmother used to make them the right way for my dad, so he appreciated that we were trying.. now I think we can get it right.

So what is the bottom line? Try it. They really aren't hard to make and they can be delicious. Don't be discouraged by our trip-ups... this is why we have Deering around to double-check our work. Knoedel may require a decent bit of raw materials to make, but it is something pretty exotic to show off while still allowing guests to take comfort in a familiar main course!

Gulag? No, Wait... Gulash! That Was It...

Alright! Almost 10 days into March now and we're going to finally post our final entry from February's Soup Month series.

Can you say, "on top of our game?"

Doesn't matter. I can.

Anyhoo, to cap off Soup Month we decided that we ought to bring out the ol' Austrian cookbook. An artifact once promised its own month of glory (see the triumph of laziness that was November), this slender tome has been in hiding for a good bit now. We'll see if we can't win back its favor. We never did write down the recipe for Apfel Streudel... it would be crazy not to stay in its good graces.

Some may argue that trying impress a cookbook is crazy enough.

Regardless, we're back in the last of Osterreich. Or at least in the land of the Austro-Hungarian Empire... gulash technically hails from Austria's paprika-rich neighbor. Same thing, right?

This guy knows.---------------------->  

So gulash, or Ungarishces Saftgulasch, if we go by the proper title in our book, is essentially a fancy beef stew with a tomato-y, well-spiced base. Hungary, as I referenced before, is widely known for its high-grade paprika exports... always has been. Paprika, if you know a little bit about it, comes in both hot and sweet varieties. Our recipe today uses the sweet variety, though we're eager to experiment with its hotter counterpart in the future. Something we'll certainly be keeping in mind when we do, however, is an old Hungarian saying: "Good paprika burns twice." Confused? Wikipedia, in its infinite knowledge, explains. "Paprika contains strong spices; these may cause a burning sensation in the mucuous membranes of the anus." Eek. A rootin' tootin' good time for sure... O_o

As is the case with most of the Austrian recipes we plan to feature, I've made gulash once before in a group setting during my Austrian Cuisine course in Salzburg. I had some idea, therefore, what our end product ought to look like... but not a good one. I probably just chopped onions last time.

Oh well. It wouldn't be C.C. material if we knew what we were doing.

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  What You'll Need

(Serves 4-6)


1 oz. cookin' oil
5 oz. finely chopped onions
1 t. finely chopped garlic
3 T. sweet Hungarian paprika
2 lb. beef chuck, cut into 1/2 in. cubes
1/2 t. caraway seeds
1 1/2 pints chicken or beef stock or water (we used beef)
1.2 t. (or so) salt
To taste: freshly ground pepper
1 T. tomato paste
1 lb. tomatoes, peeled, seeded, and finely chopped (approx. 1 1/4 cups)
2 medium sized green peppers, with seeds and ribs removed, finely chopped
1/2 t. marjoram or oregano

The Process

Heat the oil in a 4-5 quart heavy saucepan* until a light haze forms over it, then reduce the heat to medium and add the onions. Cook them for 8 to 10 mnutes, or intil the onions are lightly colored. Add the beef cubes; fry until the meat turns light.
*We used an electric frying pan. Note that if you do this, you'll have to adjust the cooking times accordingly as the increased surface area with cause faster evaporation / heating


Add a T tomato paste and stir for about one minute. Remove pan from the heat and stir in the paprika until the onions are well coated (and it BEST be Hungarian or else).

Add stock or water and season with caraway seeds, salt, pepper, garlic, and marjoram. Bring the liquid to a boil and partially cover the pan. Simmer for 1 hour, or until the beef is almost tender.

Add the tomatoes and the peppers** to the stew. Partially cover again and cook over medium heat for 25-35 minutes, or until the beef is tender. Taste for seasoning.
**As is generally the case, we managed to mess something up here. We forgot to buy green peppers, using a red pepper and a can of diced tomatoes with chopped green peppers already included... Not a very professional shortcut and not one that I'd recommend, but I'm just tellin' it like it is. We're not pros. NEVER forget (the Alamo soup).

Serve the gulash with dumplings***, potatoes, or Spaetzle.
***We made dumplings, Austrian-style "knoedel", which we'll detail in the next post.

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There you have it. Gulash at its finest. Don't worry if it doesn't look like much... its finest isn't saying much. Gulash is an ugly dish (like many we've shown recently), but an interesting one if nothing else. It's the spices that make a difference in this beefy stew, adding a little bit of "OIC whatchu did there!" to your dish.

The response, overall, was mixed. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't overly memorable either. Using the electric frying pan, neglecting correct pepper color, and screwing up spice proportions somewhere along the line (I'm just assuming) probably detracted from what the gulash could have been. As I mentioned earlier, we made knoedel with this dish and I still can't quite get the recipe straight on that one. It's a work in progress, anyway.

Overall, we give this one a mediocre rating plus points for intercultural style. A pseudo-thumbs-up, if you will.

If you're HUNGARY for something different, give it a try.

Oh come on, did you really think I could avoid that lame joke throughout the whole post?? As good as I may be, I'm not THAT good.

Best of luck.

JAM-BA-LA-YA!!!

The Treu household has always* had a great and amazing tradition; when we're really hungry and don't know what to eat, we can always count on some good ol' Zatarain's Jambalaya mix. We usually have a few boxes on hand, and we'll add kielbasa slices or shrimp along with lots and lots of Frank's Hot Sauce. This week we decided to channel our love and appreciation of this simple meal into a more exciting and original jambalya that we make ourselves!
*Not actually always. I'm pretty sure Luke's girlfriend Erin did it and we copied her. That's pretty much the same thing as always.


Luke found a recipe at Epicurious.com for some Smoked Sausage Jambalaya: http://www.Epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Smoked-Sausage-Jambalaya-356042 The ingredients can be found at just about any local grocery store, except for perhaps the andouille sausage. That seems a bit more exclusive, but our grocery store had it. When Luke told me we were using andouille sausage, he pronounced it "an-doo-lee" at first, as did the lady at the grocery store, so it wasn't until later that I realized that it was a word I had already seen in my French class. In English it simply means "a highly spiced smoked pork sausage." In French, it means "a numbskull; a generally ridiculous or incompetent person."

We thought it applied pretty well to the Conquistadors.

Here's the recipe from epicurious:

Smoked Sausage Jambalaya

Gourmet | November 2009

by Andrea Albin

Andouille, the heavily spiced and smoked sausage that is a linchpin of so many Cajun dishes, adds its inimitable heat to an able stuffing stand-in. A swirl of cream gravy (above) can help quell the spice.

Yield: Makes 8 (side dish) servings
Active Time: 30 min
Total Time: 1 1/4 hr

1 pound pork andouille sausage, sliced crosswise 1/3 inch thick
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 green bell peppers, finely chopped
2 celery ribs, finely chopped
1 medium onion, finely chopped
3 scallions, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
2 1/2 cups long-grain white rice (1 pound)
1 (28-ounces) can diced tomatoes
3 1/2 cups water

Cook sausage in oil in a wide 6-to 8-quart heavy pot over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally, until golden-brown, about 5 minutes. Transfer to a bowl with a slotted spoon.
Cook peppers, celery, onion, scallions, garlic, and 1/2 teaspoon salt in fat remaining in pot, stirring occasionally, until golden-brown, 10 to 12 minutes. Stir in rice, sausage, tomatoes with their juice, water, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper and bring to a rolling boil.
Reduce heat and cook at a bare simmer, covered tightly with lid, until rice is tender and water is absorbed, about 25 minutes. Remove from heat and let stand, covered, 10 minutes. Fluff rice with a fork.
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The really nice thing about jambalaya is that the preparation is not tough at all; or at least it's much less complex than some of the recipes we've been using. In the end you just throw everything into a big ol' pot and let it cook. We had to spent a little time chopping up vegetables and such, but that wasn't too tough. We used pre-chopped up celery (so we just kind of eyeballed the celery) and we forgot to get scallions*, but I don't think anybody noticed.
*corrected

The general concensus at the end was that our jambalaya was a success. Jambalaya is pretty hard to screw up, and it's ever so delicious! A word of caution, however; they don't just say that andouille sausage is spicy for no reason. Luke added a liberal amount of Frank's hot sauce while it was cooking as well, but you couldn't even taste the Frank's (and for those of you experienced with Frank's, you know it has a flavor all its own.) This jambalaya is not for the faint of heart or the faint of tongue; but if you think you can handle the fire, you should definitely go for it. It's an easy recipe that makes a good amount of delicious food, and honestly, what more can you ask for?

I really hope we aren't getting big heads with our recent successes, but we are definitely looking towards the future. February just might be our most exciting month yet; we're SOUPER excited!!
.
.
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I'll give you a moment to recover from that one.

In all actuality, Soup Month is looking very bright! We've already gone shopping and gotten all the ingredients for our first endeavor of February (except the okra... they ran out of okra. So, most of the ingredients.) Stay tuned, because I've got a funny feeling that things are about to get a little more adventurous than usual. And "usual" is frightening enough.

An Exceptional Blob for an Exceptional Blog

Boy oh boy, have we had some adventures!

So Luke has been all up on my case about how we need to get this blog back on track; which I do want to do, don't get me wrong. It's just the timing that has me in something of a tizzy. I've been going a bit crazy with the end of the school semester and the SAT coming up, but, being an amazingly multifaceted and talented genius, I have been able to engage in some conquistary (I just made that word!). We looked at a few things from Luke's new French mother of all cookbooks, and some of it was very interesting indeed. We really wanted to use this crab meat that we had discovered, and we were able to find a recipe in an older cookbook for a little piece of delicious known as:

Chicken Crab Valentine

Since it is drawing closer and closer to Valentines' Day, and we really wanted to use this crab somehow, this looked ever so promising. We also have an amazing brand-new innovative spectacular mind-blowing piece of technology: folk call it the "Handheld Video Recording Device." Sounds newfangled? We thought so too! So in addition to our regular blog post, we have recorded a documentary of our adventures for your perusing pleasure. Things... did not go exactly as planned. I'll let the video speak for itself.
**Sorry for the "Trial" text at the beginning... Windows Live Movie Maker, for lack of a better word, sucks and not only lacks features, but refuses to save our video project as a movie file or to publish it to the web for that matter (hence the delay since we filmed this). For now we just have the trial version of this much better program.**




Soooooo, as you can see, there was a good deal of the human element involved here, which is putting it lightly. (Putting it heavily: Luke's dumb.) Anyways, we are leaving it up to you whether you want to follow our lead - which we don't suggest - or follow the actual recipe. It's not online anywhere, so I shall just transpose it here:

CHICKEN CRAB VALENTINE

"Serve this to your sweetie - it's special"

6 tbsp. butter
6 tbsp. flour
1 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 1/2 tsp. salt
3/4 tsp. paprika
1 clove garlic, crushed
1/8 tsp. nutmeg
5-6 drops pepper sauce
2 1/2 cups sour cream
3 cups cooked chicken, cubed
2 cans crab meat (7 1/2-oz.)
8 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled
2 pkgs. frozen peas, cooked (10-oz. pkgs.)

Preparation: 30 min
Cooking: 1 hour
Serves: 8-10

In double boiler, melt butter; add flour and stir until smooth. Gradually add broth and cook, stirring, until smooth and thickened. Add seasonings. Cover and cook 10-15 minutes. Add sour cream and continue hearing over simmering water. Add chicken and crabmeat. Mix lightly. Heat 10-15 minutes. Add crumbled bacon, if desired. Serve in a chafing dish or arrange on platter surrounded by peas. Best served with walnut rice, page 160.

Dorothy Hartley
-Three Rivers Cookbook II


As you saw, we took some "liberties" with these instructions (we made mistakes), but we ended up turning it into something unique. It didn't look like much... in fact it very much resembled a big ol' bowl of tuna. But it was actually ever so zesty, and the flavors melded together in a way that I hadn't expected.

Final thoughts:
-looked a bit gross
-probably because we messed it up
-tasted delicious
-although a tiny bit fishy
-very dense and filling
-made for some wonderful stories and inside jokes

Anyhow, try this one out. We'll be back. In the meantime, if any of you actually WATCHED the video, you know that next month's theme has already been chosen! Standby...

An Uncommon Intermission: Brussel Sprouts... That Are Awesome??

Yes, you read it.

Today's diversion from the Culinary Conquistadors' Austrian Month features none other than the scourge of youth everywhere: brussel sprouts. Bill Cosby hated them, children run in fear, and adults politely avoid them whenever possible. So why, if they are the essence of "terrible" would we discuss them?

I realize the concept is hard to digest (ha! +1), so allow me to pose the following question: Would the Ugly Duckling be the same if you always knew he was a swan? *Belated spoiler alert: the ugly duckling is a swan* No, because it wouldn't be pleasantly surprising when the "duckling" turned out to be beautiful. Such is the case with brussel sprouts. They are ugly, green lumps with a funky taste by most accounts... but what if you knew how to make them... not?

Well we found the way.

Ok, no we didn't, we read it in GQ. Here is the link with the recipe and the directions... Follow that and I'll focus on our experiences and let them handle the cooking explanation.

David Chang of Momofuku's brussel sprouts with bite.

Basically, long story short, David Chang, owner / chef of Momofuku restaurant in New York and one of the more highly regarded chefs around, invented a recipe for brussel sprouts that 1. Is reeeeal hard to screw up, and 2. tastes amazing. His sprouts were so successful, in fact, that he had to take them off the menu... Literally just about every table ordered them and he didn't want to have to designate a cook to making nothing but sprouts all night. That, in itself, should tell you something about the recipe.

When our mother walked in the door from Heinen's with a bag of brussel sprouts a few days back, I found myself feeling a way I never had before... excited about brussel sprouts! I ran upstairs, cut the recipe page out of GQ, and ran back down triumphantly, much to the confusion of everyone else. I loudly declared, "I can make these actually GOOD!"

And we did. We followed the recipe as laid out in the link above, and I have to say that my only regret is that we didn't have more. They were absolutely delicious by all accounts. Try them... really. I know it seems crazy, and I know they usually taste weird, but honestly these are a different vegetable altogether. If I'm wrong, feel free to comment to that regard. (I'm not).
Best of luck; I hope you'll also discoverer that when your mothers and grandmothers claimed that vegetables were, "good and good for you", they weren't lying... completely.

Enjoy.

Brussels Sprouts

Ode to Osterreich, Part I: Escape to Schnitzel Mountain

Now that you've heard Matty's story... lets move on to a more relevant topic.

Finally, 14 months after I first arrived in Austria, we shall get around to discussing Austrian cuisine, a course I ACTUALLY took! Yes dear readers, believe it or not, I do have SOME formal education on cooking. I'd give a shout-out to Birgitta the awesome cook and professor at Salzburg College, but you can't shout in text. CAPS means serious, but not necessarily loud. It's a complicated blogosphere we live in.

Is this revelation of experience a betrayal of trust? Is it a sign that you may just get something out of this blog? Call it what you will, but the fact that I have been trained by a life-long Austrian cook means a few things. 1. Descriptions of Austrian dishes will be somewhat more reliable than others as we are not completely in the dark going into it. 2. You may learn dishes that you've either never heard of, or have heard of and giggled at under your breath because they start with the word "Wiener". 3. We probably giggled at some point too.

Speaking of which, the first dish that we will discuss / explain our endeavors to is that of Wiener Schnitzel! What a wonderful segway, I know. This dish, simply put, is the Schnit. It is the staple dish of Vienna and more broadly Austria, and it is both delicious AND simple in its creation. If you manage to screw it up, I applaud your efforts because it's tough to do. If you succeed, guests / family members / alien visitors will be amazed at the exotic cuisine you've managed to concoct (It's name is German?! Oh how cultural!). You can't very well lose with schnitzel.

About Schnitzel

First of all, it's pronounced "Vee-ner", not "Wee-ner". Lets get the chuckles aside, this is serious business (not really). In German, Vienna is called Wien, or "Veen" phonetically. W = V in German to English. Didn't think you learn that here, did you? So Wiener schnitzel realistically means "Viennese" schnitzel. Schnitzel just means schnitzel, but it's no less fun to say.

Schnitzel, as the photo of Shnitzel Mountain to the left shows, is a type of breaded / fried cutlet dish. While it may look somewhat basic in construction, there are some deviations that can be made when creating it. Traditionally schnitzel is made with veal, although veal is notably expensive. For this reason turkey breast cutlets are often substituted, or even pork cutlets work well. Matty and I have used all three meats throughout our schnitzel endeavors, and they all taste great. Beyond the meat decision, the equation is quite simple: you'll need breadcrumbs, eggs, flour, salt, pepper, cooking oil, and garnishes to create an inspiring meal.

Ingredients (In a simpler-to-read format)
(To serve 4)

2 eggs
2 T milk
2 lbs. leg of veal (or substitute turkey breast / boneless pork) - Cut into 1/4 in. thick slices
Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
4 T flour
1 cup finely ground, dried breadcrumbs
Oil for frying

Lemons (garnish)
Preiselbeeren / cranberry sauce (garnish)


So you start with your meat. As directed, you want to buy veal, turkey, or pork cutlets and beat them into 1/4 in. slices... they can either be bought this way or be flattened with a meat hammer. Trust me, the latter is significantly more fun. I've made schnitzel at home, at school, and abroad, and hands-down beating the meat is the favorite activity. It's loud, but whether you actually have a mallet or just a pronged crusher (see picture), it works.

Once flattened, sprinkle the meat slices liberally with salt and pepper. Get both sides, it is important for flavoring. Next, dip each slice in flour and shake off the excess. You'll want to have the flour out on a cutting board or large bowl or something to do this. Next, take your eggs and beat them with the milk long enough to combine them. Once this is accomplished, dip the floured veal slices into the beaten eggs. Yes, it will be gross at the time, we know... it will pay delicious dividends eventually, however. Finally, take the floured, egg-ed veal slices and dip them in the bread crumbs, covering both sides. Shake off the excess, and you're done with the sloppy part of the assembly line.


Now for the actual cooking: Heat oil in a heavy, 12-in. frying pan preferably until a light haze forms over it. Put in enough to cover the bottom. Next, add the prepared cutlets themselves. Cook the cutlets over meduim heat for 3-4 min per side or until they are a golden-brown color. Yes, like marshmallows, it is a universal indicator of "good". Use tongs to turn them over (the oil will attack you to the best of it's ability so keep your distance).

Realistically, this is about all it takes. As the schnitzel is finished being browned (you may want to check one to be sure you have cooked it through, but I've never run into a problem with that), it should realistically be served immediately. A warm schnitzel is a happy schnitzel. Garnish with lemons when you serve it... squeezing lemon on these guys is absolutely essential to getting the full experience in my book. You can also serve it with preiselbeeren (cranberry) preserves... we haven't done so the last few times we have made it, but that is simply because we forgot to pick some up. It is certainly recommended as well if you can find some. It is recommended as well that you serve schnitzel with some sort of potatoes / potato salad (I'll post the Austrian way to make good potatoes / potato salad in a future post... check there).

In all, schnitzel is easy yet rewarding in both taste and experience. It is not only something different for most people, but fun to make with friends and family. Since it is pretty difficult to mess up on schnitzel, the benefits of working together are rarely mitigated. If we can do it, just about anyone should be able to. If you haven't found out from the Alamo Soup post, we can be pretty inept. Best of luck, get you some of that schnit.

My Hands Were Thai-d.

"So you've made this before?"

"Kinda, Whitney and I made something like this."

"But you have a recipe."

"Well yeah, but mostly I used it for rough list of what to buy. I'm making a lot of it up..."

"Oh... well you know I want to put this on the blog, I mean it's pretty exotic. I've never even had Thai food. How much of that sauce did you put in?"

"Um... whatever is gone from the bottle?"

"O..k... and the soy sauce?"

"I'd say like, 8 long drips?"

"I don't think a 'drip' is a standard measurement."

"Probably not..."

"Err... Erin, look, the point of this blog is somewhat just to log our escapades, but also the idea is that a person would be able to remake a recipe themselves based on what we write... Have you measured anything?"

"No. I put about a fifth of the bottle of cayenne pepper sauce in though. That is sorta a measurement?"

"I can't cook with you anymore."

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Matty, we miss you.

The Conquistadors, or Conquistador + guests, have been at it again folks! This time the undertaking was something truly exotic - Thai food.

Now I, dear readers, have never experienced Thai food. I realized how astoundingly hard to believe this must be given the culinary expertise exhibited on this blog regularly, but alas, Thai has not previously been part of my repertoire. All I know about Thai food is that it is supposedly peanut-y and spicy.

If that is truly all it takes for a Thai dish to be wildly successful, then hold your hats and try not to fall out of your seats - this one's an award winner.

That is, if you can actually make it.

As you may have effectively gleaned from the introduction to this wonderful post, we had some... issues with the bookkeeping. My lovely guest Erin was the chef de cuisine for this meal and apparently they teach cooking a little bit different in the far-off, secluded land of Indiana.

It was her opinion that food is to be made in the moment - a rough idea of ingredients and process and an adventurous spirit is all that it takes to make a memorable dish. This is a commendable idea to be certain; the Culinary Conquistadors exist not because of our years of training in the crafting of food, but because of our desire to submit to good old-fashioned trial and error. This approach to cooking, unfortunately, has two side effects. The first is that you, the reader of this laudable blog, have very little information to go off should you wish to re-create this dish, and secondly it seems that the less you follow directions, the spicier food becomes.

This second point may merit further research.

Anyhow, as things stand I will do my best to relay to you at least what ingredients were used and will post a link to the recipe on which this creation was roughly based... I wish you the best of luck should you attempt to follow our path.

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Our Ingredients
- Creamy Peanut Butter
- Red Bell Pepper
- Green Bell Pepper
- Soy Sauce
- Spicy Thai Chili Sauce
- Garlic (cloves)
- Paprika
- Chili Powder
- "China Bowl Five Spice Powder"
- Classic Olive Oil
- Sweet & Hot Mustard
- Large can of Tyson chicken
- Small can of Tyson chicken
- Brown Sugar
- Spring Roll Skins
- Red Onion
- Cayenne Pepper Sauce
- Lots o' TLC

I won't attempt to place any measurements on any of these ingredients as, to be honest, they'd be wrong. The assembly itself wasn't too difficult. Before starting, pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees. Next, mix everything (that isn't the spring roll skins) in a medium mixing bowl. Start with the peanut butter, add peppers, garlic (pressed), sauces, and spices, then chicken last. Be tasting the mixture as you progress, deciding on level of spiciness. Be aware, my fingers (24 hours and at least two-showers of scrubbing later) still smell like garlic.

Peanut butter seems to absorb spiciness from things such as chili powder, pepper sauce, or thai chili sauce, but baking seems to lessen the mitigating effect of the peanut butter. For this reason you may want to continually augment the mixture with more spicy additions, but be aware that the final product will probably end up slightly spicier than the pre-cooked mixture. I don't claim to understand the physics. I blame oils.

Once your mixture is "up to snuff", lay out your spring roll skins (or any sort of asian wraps ought to work). The Vietnamese wraps we used were made of rice starch primarily, and were extremely brittle... You honestly couldn't tell they weren't ultra-thin plastic circles. For this reason they will break when you try to bend them. The solution, we found, is to take the wraps and wet them beforehand... we rotated the wraps in a large salad bowl of water to give them pliability.

Take a wet wrap, place it on a plate. Take some of the filling-mixture you just created and place a line of it off-center atop the flat wrap: maybe an inch-wide line of mixture, about three inches long would be good. Take the edges of the wrap and fold it burrito-style. Here is an explanation I found on how to do this. Lay the filled rolls on a butter-coated baking sheet (will help prevent sticking). We made enough to comfortably fill one sheet with some space between the rolls (as a point of reference). Place the sheet in the oven, and begin cooking. I am unsure exactly how long we left ours in for, but check them periodically every 5 minutes or so after the first 10 minutes to check temperature and whether they seem to be baked.

Once you remove them from the oven the rolls should be ready for consumption - don't worry if they aren't pretty... they aren't really supposed to be. We chose to pour some of the extra Spicy Thai Chili sauce to garnish the rolls / for dipping; I would recommend trying this as I thought it worked out well IF you want it extra spicy. Otherwise you may want to skip it.

The final result was good, tasted much like I believe it was supposed to, just bowel-shakingly spicy given our zeal for heat. To be quite honest there is a high likelihood of your digestive system being in a bit of disarray after this one. Here is the link to the real recipe. You'll note that it is clearly not at all what we produced, but should give you an idea of some of the measurements.

Erin, unfortunately, had to head back to Indiana today, but she did succeed in leaving us a "recipe" and a lesson: "winging-it" can lead to a positive outcome!

With the return of Matty on Monday our culinary team will once more be complete. Best of luck on this recipe and try not to burn off ALL of your tastebuds... more concoctions (and hopefully more witty writing) will abound in the near future!